Breakdowns & Disappointments: How I'm Learning to Embrace My Journey
Thanks for coming over to the blog to read this. I've had this post on my mind for a while now. I've been listening to you in your comments and direct messages on Instagram and in the private messages you send me via email and on Facebook. I love hearing from you and I also know some of us are seeking sunshine and respite.
Thanks for writing in, thanks for letting me know how you're doing. The internet can be an impersonal space. Sometimes it feels like everyone else's life is perfect. Jane is super thin...Anne got engaged to such a hot guy...Fiona is making so much money. I know. I totally understand. It's easy to take a look at your life after scrolling through Instagram and feel like a failure. (Trust me, I do so more times than I'd like to admit.)
I'd like to let you in on something I went through, with the hope that you'll be encouraged in your journey.
Last Thursday was a really hard day for me. I had a proper breakdown, as in meeellltdown! My move to Australia has been exhilarating, but its also been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. For the past 8 or so months since I landed, I've been on the go - settling all my paperwork as well as adjusting to my new career and apartment. I'm truly grateful for my journey this far, I know there's many who'd hope for their's to be similar.
That said, I hadn't had any time to breathe. To soak it all in. To feel. Truth is, I've been missing my home country Kenya and longing to be with my besties and family. On Thursday, all that pent up emotion came pouring out, in torrents. I wept. That ugly, heaving cry. I wept. My eyes were veiny and red. My face was puffy. Girl, it was quite the scene.
But I needed to let go of it all. And so I allowed myself to feel. Disappointment. Embarrassment. Relief. Joy. Peace. Perseverance. Comfort. Resolve. I allowed myself to feel.
I began to consciously count my blessings. One by one. I noted them down. I thought back to how far I'd come and I gave myself a hug. For hoping. For keeping on. For hustling. For finally gaining independence. And all in a foreign land too. For living whole heartedly and fully. For wearing my heart on my sleeve and embracing my existence.
I'm actually tearing up again as I type this out.
I'm sharing this with you to let you know I'm human too.
I struggle too.
I have bad days too.
We all do.
But I'm learning that one difficult moment is not and cannot be the sum of our entire lives.
I'm learning to have a far reaching vision all my days ahead. One of the struggles of being a 20-something is that all our seemingly big, life-changing decisions are made in a span of 2-5 years, right? It feels like we're meant to finish Uni, find a stable job, get married and have kids. In that order.
But I'm learning that life is not linear and our journeys are often convoluted. Many of us are juggling Uni and kids, or getting married and finding a new career. And that's okay.
No let me say it again. That's okay.
Your journey is uniquely yours. Every step you've taken to this very moment, in which you're reading this very word, has been carefully placed. Nothing you've been through is a mistake. Sometimes it feels like we're carrying more than we can handle. It can feel like we're constantly just trying to keep afloat.
But I'm learning that such is the stuff of life. Such is the nature of life. To feel disappointment and joy. To feel fatigue and exhilaration. To feel boredom and excitement. To feel satisfaction and desire. To feel relief and anxiety. This is the stuff of life. It's very nature.
So go on and cry if you need to. Weep and cleanse your soul. Weep and let your mind find healing. Give yourself a hug. Validate your existence. Your journey is special and unique. So let go of baseless expectations that clutter your being and live free. Be present. Feel the sun on your skin. Feel the cold brush of winter. Chew your food and really taste if. Sleep deeply.
Let go, let go.
"Fly through the air, live in the sunlight and enjoy life as much as you can." Evel Knievel
"Discover what is and isn't important to you. Decide to make the best of any situation, regardless of what you're going through."
Sending you lots of LOVE & SUNSHINE