I've Never Been So Scared In My Life!!
Well maybe never never, but at least thats how it feels like right now. Graduation is in 29 days and I am f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out! Quite frankly, I'm hoping that by the time I've penned this post, my nerves would have calmed down a little.
I'm sitting here in Sawyer library at my carrel. (The one I hustled for like a true Kenyan, but that's a story for another day!) I've just come from goofing around with Mmas, Nicole and Cliff. We had a school wide community-lunch today with lobsters, hamburgers, salads and crushed ice. Can you glean those jumping castles!? Excitement galore!! The semester is rolling to an end in 5 days and the air is full of both excitement and anxiety.
More so for me. I am about to take a huge leap of faith! I intend to move to Australia after I finish my degree here in the US, to start my MPhil (Masters leading to a phD). I am freaking out though! Big time!! This will be the fourth time I'm moving to another country and I still have jitters! You'd think I'd be used to this by now.
I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong. I'm just sifting through the motions, so I appreciate your listening ear.
Truth is, I'm afraid of having to adjust, (again). I'm really afraid of having to make new friends (again). I'm missing the friends I left in Kenya, England and South Africa. I don't know if I'm ready to miss the friends I've made in America. Now, just about now, is when I feel like things have finally clicked.
The uncertainties of the move are all I'm thinking about! (I took a study break from my thesis to share my thoughts with you.) What am I saying? Maybe that its okay to be afraid of change? I mean like totally freaked out!? Maybe, afterall, it is okay to be freaked out, because I'm (only) 24 and moving again (for the 4th time), to call yet another part of the world, "home"?
It's okay to be afraid, Tabitha. Fear is good, because it keeps you alive. Fear means that you are human. And to be human is to be vulnerable. And that's the very essence of our existence. That nothing is ever static. Life is happening in the here and now. And so we must embrace it with all that we've got.
It takes a lot of courage to embrace the new and release the seemingly familiar and secure. But there is no security in what is no longer meaningful. I reckon, that there is more security in the adventurous and exciting. Life is found in movement - in joining the vibration of the earth and all of its richness.
This is a toast:
To elevation. To enjoying our journeys wherever they might lead us. To choosing life. To inner contentment and peace. To embracing our humanity. To admitting our vulnerability. To accepting our growth.